My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
