i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
