I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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