There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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