my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
