I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
