remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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