Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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