hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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