His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
