I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
