I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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