are you still at the devil's house?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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