I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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