I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
