i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Mom said you looked used
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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