wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
