she woke up with a sticky ear
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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