The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
