college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
