Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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