you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
