I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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