forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
