I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
