Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
