Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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