we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
