First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
