I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
