my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
