U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
