come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
