Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My pussy is not your playground.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
