Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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