Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
