I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Randomize
