You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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