I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
