everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
We smell like vodka and hangover
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