You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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