Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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