There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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