It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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