White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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