I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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