Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
my liver is dry heaving
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
