my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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