Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
