a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
